


Angels Would Fall

by lls_mutant



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: M/M, Remix Duello 2010, Substitution, grief and sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-10
Updated: 2010-10-10
Packaged: 2017-10-12 14:04:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/125641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lls_mutant/pseuds/lls_mutant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Losing Kara was a blow that Sam didn't think he could recover from.  He doesn't expect to find his consolation in Lee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Angels Would Fall

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skieswideopen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skieswideopen/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Shifting Ground](https://archiveofourown.org/works/107912) by [skieswideopen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skieswideopen/pseuds/skieswideopen). 



The uniform isn't new, but it's new to him, and Sam still feels self-conscious in it. Not in a bad way, but proud. He's a _pilot_ now, and not only is that something he respects, but it's a job that has purpose in this Fleet. For the first time, _Galactica_ really feels like home, and he feels like he has family here. He's part of a team again.

Next to him, Hot Dog is doodling as Kara talks. It's not that he's not paying attention; it's that he needs to keep his hands busy. On the other side, Seelix is paying strict attention, although her jaw is clenched and she's tapping her pencil against the desk.

Kara wraps it up. "Good hunting," she tells the pilots flying CAP. "See you all back here tomorrow at 0600 hours."

The pilots begin to file out, including a couple of Cylon pilots. Sam avoids their eye as they walk by, still not sure of what the frak is going on with his life. But it doesn't really matter, because Kara's free and she _smiles_ at him. Kara hasn't smiled much since Earth. True, no one has, but Kara most of all.

But she's smiling now, and Tam can't resist teasing her. "Your speeches are a lot better than your betting these days," he laughs.

"Like you'd know?" Kara shot back. "Where were you last night?"

"I had… plans." Cramming tactics and formations under Hot Dog's guidance, but he doesn't feel like elaborating. "Besides, Lee told me-"

Kara interrupts him with a sharp laugh and a rolled up jacket tossed lightly at his face. "Do you realize that's the third time you've quoted Lee in the past hour?" she asks. "When did the two of you become such frakking best buddies?"

 _Frakking best buddies_. Sam stops still, because he never thought of it that way. But before he can analyze it, Kara sees the truth and says, "So what, did you two have some sort of mutual comfort society going while I was gone?"

He's never been the type to hide his feelings from Kara- hell, he's never thought he _should_ hide his feelings from Kara. And so he stands there, everything written across his face.

"I wouldn't have picked you as his type," Kara says flatly.

She's angry, so Sam rushes to justify himself. To reassure her. "We thought you were dead," he says fiercely, stumbling over the words. "And it's over. It's been over since you got back. I've barely even seen Lee since then. I haven't really _wanted_ to see Lee since then."

That's the first time he finds himself lying.

***

Sam stared resentfully at the bandages. "I can't believe I broke my leg," he grumbled.

"I can't believe it either," Ishay said, smirking. "Standing on a Viper, drunk out of your mind? Most other people would have broken their _necks._ "

"Surprisingly, that's not much help," Sam said dryly. He shifted in the infirmary bed, trying to get comfortable.

"There's also the fact you didn't actually break your leg," Ishay informed him. "You tore your meniscus. Surgery, a few days off, two weeks on crutches, and you're fine. Be grateful."

"Right," Sam said gloomily, watching Ishay drift away. "Grateful."

The worst part about this injury was that there was nothing he could do to stop thinking. He couldn't play Pyramid, obviously, but he couldn't even _move_. He couldn't drink- not unless he wanted to take his life in his own hands. (Aside from the potential consequences of mixing pain killers and alcohol, Sam wouldn't put it past Ishay or Jean to kill him with their bare hands if they caught him doing something like that.) There _was_ a vidscreen in the infirmary, but all of the vids were movies that Sam couldn't tolerate. ( _Why_ did Cottle have a collection of vampire romances and musicals for his more ambulatory patients? Or was that Ishay again?) And the stuff that was being broadcast currently was often badly written, even more badly acted, and on such a low budget that Sam thought high school drama clubs could do better. It wasn't that he was a snob… it was just that he lacked that sort of imagination, he supposed. But if it was just boredom, he might have been able to distract himself.

Too bad it was anything but boredom.

Kara haunted him. He heard her voice around corners and her laughter floating on the edge of his dreams. He couldn't escape her- he didn't _want_ to escape her- but the way she lingered _hurt_. He didn't need any additional reminders; he had enough in his head already. And what he really didn't need was Lee Adama standing by his bedside, wearing his tanks and BDUs, looking awkward and holding a book.

"How's the leg?" Lee asked.

If it had been anyone but Lee asking, Sam might have been able to answer. In fact, he probably would have welcomed the company and the question. As it was, he just stared straight ahead.

"Yeah," Lee said, obviously uncomfortable. "Listen, I know that being laid up for a bit after surgery can be tough, so I brought you something to read. Well, I borrowed it from Dee, anyway. I'm pretty sure romance novels aren't your thing, but she says this one's more of a mystery." He shrugged. "I figured it was better than law books, which are the only other things we've got."

"Thanks," Sam said automatically.

"So… see you around," Lee said, when it became obvious that no more conversation was forthcoming. Sam glanced at him. He looked guilty, like he thought he knew what was really bothering Sam. But then, Lee Adama had always had a really high opinion of himself.

He closed his eyes. He wasn't really tired, but Lee got the hint, and when he opened them, Lee was gone. But the ghost of Kara remained.

***

Sam had originally had absolutely no intention of touching the book, but it just lay there, begging to be picked up, and after a few hours, he finally obeyed. He didn't think it would work, but it was worth a try.

He was wrong. So was Lee, for that matter. The book wasn't a romance novel, but a mystery, and a very good one, too. It was obviously written after the attacks, and the murderer wasn't who Sam thought it was going to be after all, although the clues had been there. But what was most interesting to him was that the detective was gay- a fact the novel was _extremely_ explicit about. He read it twice before he was released from the infirmary three days later.

He didn't really care to find Lee, so instead he searched out Dee. He found her in the rec room, laughing over a half-empty bottle of booze with Gaeta, Hoshi, Hot Dog, and Narcho. Ignoring the guys, he brandished the novel at her.

"You got any more like this?"

Dee blinked up at him uncomprehendingly. The laughter drained from the table, and Sam had the impression he was unwelcome. Well, frak them, it didn't matter. He just needed a question answered.

Finally, Dee spoke. "What do you mean?" she asked cagily. "Murder mysteries?"

"No. Stuff with two guys."

"Oh." Dee blinked again, and Gaeta snickered. Sam ignored him. "Why?" Dee finally asked. "You thought it was hot?"

"Well, yeah, it was, but that's not why," Sam said. _Because there was nothing in this story that reminded me of Kara._

Dee frowned. "No. That sort of stuff is hard to come by."

"You're kidding."

"Not really. _Any_ books are hard to come by these days." She shrugged, but there was a hard edge to her expression. "The best I can do for you is romance novels."

"Romance novels," Sam said dryly. "I'm not so sure…."

Hoshi yelped, and Sam was fairly certain Gaeta had kicked him. Probably along the lines of _you'd have to be able to_ read _to handle a romance novel._ Sam had heard the jokes before, especially from guys like that. It was annoying, but it was far easier to take than the sympathetic look from Hot Dog or the look on Narcho's face.

"All right," he said. "I'll take a romance novel, then."

***

 _Colonial Honor_ wasn't what Sam had expected. Sure, the sex was there, and frankly, he skimmed those scenes, wondering who the hell thought this flowery shit was erotic. But the rest of the novel… well. Nothing like what he expected.

Lee stopped by while Sam was reading it in the mess hall. "That one's Dee's favorite," he said without preamble. "I'm surprised she leant it out."

"Yeah, well, she did. She's a generous woman," Sam snapped.

Lee's eyes narrowed, but he didn't rise to the bait. "Is it as good as she says it is?" he asked.

"It's not bad," Sam admitted.

"Wouldn't have pegged you for the romance novel type," Lee said.

"There's a type?" Sam asked.

The corner of Lee's mouth quirked up in a hint of a smile. "It usually doesn't involve Pyramid players."

"Jean reads them all the time."

"I stand corrected, then." Lee looked at the book. "Kara would laugh her ass off at you."

"And you would know," Sam shot back.

"Yeah. I would." Lee looked a little guilty, but at the same time, there was a lot of defiance etched into his posture. "Look, I know that Kara and I hurt a lot of people, all right."

"Two people," Sam muttered.

"But she was my best friend. Even if I'd never touched her, she was my best friend and losing that is like losing…" he trailed off.

Sam put the book down. "Look. I get it, okay? We both love Kara. But there's got to be someone else you can deal with this with. Go find Helo or something."

Lee pulled himself together. "You're right," he said. "I'm sorry." He smiled awkwardly. "Enjoy the book."

"Yeah. Thanks." Sam glared at him until he left, and then picked the book back up. He glared at the pages, unable to read a thing.

***

They're in her bunk. It's hot and it's close, and Sam has missed this _so much_. His hands run down Kara's side, glorying in the skin. He's always lived in the moment with Kara, always focused on this and just this. So it's a shock when he's buried deep inside her and she blurts:

"How did it happen?" she demands, arching upward as Sam thrusts into her.

It takes him a moment to catch up, but once he does, he freezes. "You don't want to talk about that," he says nervously.

"I do." Kara's insistent. Sam thinks at first it's jealousy, but Kara's not really the jealous type. There's something else going on here, and she bucks her hips against him. When he doesn't answer, she flips them over in a practiced motion until she's on top, keeping him inside of her as they roll. "The first time," she insists, bracing herself over him so that she can look him in the eye. "How'd it happen? Where were you?"

Sam sighs and closes his eyes. This is not something he wants to talk about. But it's _Kara_. "I broke my leg," he says. "Lee came to check on me."

Kara pushes herself up into a near-sitting position and begins slowly moving again, rocking back and forth. "How do you go from checking on a broken leg to sleeping together?"

"I don't know. It just... happened."

"It just happened? So what? You tripped over your crutches and your cock landed in Lee's mouth?"

"No!" Her words are hitting a little too painfully in a place he didn't know was so sore. "We... I was upset. We were both upset. It wasn't easy, you know. Losing you." He regrets saying it that way as soon as its out of his mouth, because it makes it sound like it's Kara's fault.

Kara doesn't take offense, or even seem to notice. She's moving harder, and his body is trying to get his attention as it responds. "And then what?" she asks, a spark in her eyes.

It's that spark that makes him answer, drawing the answer out of him just as she's able to draw pleasure out of his body. "There wasn't anyone else who missed you the way I did, so we started spending a lot of time together. Talking. And then...it just seemed natural."

"Who started it?" She demands.

Sam frowns. "I don't remem--I did. I kissed him."

"You kissed him," she repeats disbelievingly. She changes her rhythm, slowing down just a touch. "You're such a frakking romantic."

"Not all that romantic," he says. "I shoved him up against a wall first." And he remembers it so vividly… so much more than he's trying to let her know.

***

 _Colonial Honor_ ended on an extremely satisfying note. Not the romance so much, but the heroine's struggles in the Colonial Fleet. Sam would never admit to it publicly, but he suspected that the book had influenced his life. He turned the copy over in his hands, looking at the worn cover with the redheaded girl set against fires and turmoil, looking strong and determined. There was something that reminded of him of everything he'd ever loved about Kara.

The book belonged to Dee. Sam liked Dee- a lot, in fact- but for some reason, he just didn't want to find her right now. He didn't want to discuss the book, and he was sure that Dee would ask his opinion. And looking at her face and thinking of Kara… once, he'd thought of something like revenge and giving Kara a taste of her own medicine. Plus, Dee was likely to have her peanut gallery in tow, and Sam really didn't feel like dealing with Gaeta and Hoshi's sarcastic commentary about romance novels.

That was what he told himself as he walked into the pilot's ready room.

Something tight in his chest loosened as he entered. _This_ was Kara's home, more than the bunk she'd slept in or the mess hall or the rec room. Sam's fingers tightened around the book as he approached the figure sitting at the table, hunched over and writing.

"Hey."

Lee looked up. "Hey," he said, his voice carefully neutral. "What's going on?"

Sam extended the book. "This is Dee's."

Lee looked at it for a long moment, than took it slowly. "Thanks." There was something in his eyes that made Sam think that he'd hit a sore spot. "She'll appreciate it."

"Yeah."

"Yeah." Lee looked down at it. "She says that it's the book that made her join the Fleet."

That stopped Sam cold. " _What_?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Just… I was going to ask, who do I talk to about actually enlisting."

Lee stared at him. "You're joking."

"Why should I be joking? I'm fine on the ground, where what I know comes in handy. But I'm useless in space, and I'm sick of it."

"You're not-" Lee began, but Sam cut him off.

"I'm not useless? What do you think I do around here all day, Lee?" Sam demanded. "What do you think any civilians do?"

"There are things-"

"No, there aren't," Sam snapped. "This is a military ship, Lee."

"You're being melodramatic," Lee sighed. "There are a lot of things that civilians do to make themselves useful. Working in the daycare, the infirmary, the kitchen, the laundry-"

"And letting other people risk their ass to keep me alive," Sam shot back. "How many people have to die before I put my own ass on the line? I'm trying to enlist here. I'm saying I'm willing to die for the rest of this Fleet. Why the frak are you arguing with me?"

"I don't know," Lee said. "I guess I'm just worried it's not so much a desire to serve as a camouflaged death wish now that Kara is gone."

"Who cares?" Sam demanded. "I'm a big boy, Lee. I can worry about my own motivation. Now how the hell do I sign up?"

Lee shrugged, his hands spread wide in defeat. "Go talk to Lieutenant Kramer. She'll get you started."

"Good. Thanks." Sam tightened his grip on his crutch. "See you around… sir."

***

It was remarkably easy to register for service, and despite Lee's misgivings, Sam felt a peace he hadn't felt since Kara went into that maelstrom. No, even before that. He felt more at peace than he had since the Exodus from New Caprica, when he'd stopped being useful and started being Mr. Kara Thrace. After all, that was sort of what a Pyramid game was- a specialized sort of war. In fact, Sam had always thought it was remarkable how many athletic games either had a basis in violence or were originally designed to prepare people for violence.

Training in the military wasn't what it used to be. There was no basic, no working your way up the ladder. Lieutenant Kramer looked over his credentials, put him through a physical fitness test, gave him a couple of written tests, and then said, "Well, what do you want to do? Be a marine or be a pilot? Because judging by your aptitude scores, you'd be damn good at either one, and that's where we need you."

"Pilot," Sam answered immediately.

"You sure?" Kramer asked. She glanced at her notes again. "You'd be one hell of a marine and they'd be glad to have you."

"My wife was a pilot," Sam answered firmly.

"Don't I know it," Kramer said, but there was sympathy in her voice. Sam closed his ears to it. "All right," she said, making a few marks and stamping his papers. "You're a pilot."

"That's it?"

"Well," she said, grinning slightly, "you're a _nugget_. Good luck, Ensign Anders. I think you're going to need it."

***

Now _this_ was pain. Sam sat on the edge of the bench, completely and utterly certain he was going to die. He was in good shape, damn it. Frak, he was an international Pyramid star. So why the _hell_ did it feel like his legs had been injected with molten lead and his arms had no more strength than wet ropes attached to his side?

Someone laughed, and Sam managed to turn his head. "Shut the frak up," he ordered.

It was Lee, and he was grinning. "Helo's training you, isn't he?" Lee said with a superior sort of smirk. He had a towel around his waist and was using another one to dry his wet hair.

"What of it?"

"He's brutal."

"I can handle it," Sam insisted.

Lee looked impressed. "Then you're in better shape than I ever was. He trained me back into shape after… after New Caprica."

"Ah." Sam sighed, balling up his towel. "So you know just how bad it is when he says 'just fifty more'."

"The worst kind of hell there is," Lee agreed. "Has he made you box him yet?"

"No," Sam said, "although I don't think I'd mind. The man has abs."

Lee blinked, and Sam realized that the only person Lee had ever known him to sleep with was Kara. But he shrugged off any surprise and simply said, "Yeah. He does. But watch out for his right cross."

"Got it."

"And his left hook."

"You really got your ass kicked, didn't you?"

Lee smiled. "Can't complain, though." He gestured vaguely to his own abs.

"Yeah," Sam agreed. "Guess not." He eyed Lee speculatively. He'd known Lee was good-looking- there was no way he couldn't know- but he'd never bothered to think about it. Now, with Lee standing here half-naked in the locker room, he considered it. It was worth considering. He let his eyes roam over Lee's torso, and then picked up his shirt. Kara always did have good taste.

"Kara…" Lee began, and Sam's head snapped up.

"What?"

Lee laughed a little, a hollow sound. "Just thinking that Kara was the one person I know that ever wore out Helo, instead of the other way around."

Sam laughed a little in his throat, low and rusty. "I think you're overestimating. I'm pretty sure Athena can kick even Helo's ass. But Kara definitely could."

"And did." Lee smiled. "Gods. There was this time when Kara and Helo were boxing, and he brought in a set of wrist weights-"

"Oh, she told me about this!" Sam said. "Didn't she knock him out?"

"Only time Helo's ever been knocked out in a boxing match," Lee laughed. "She got the best of him."

"She always did," Sam said, grinning. "She kicked my ass more times than I could count. The first time I met her, she almost beat me in Pyramid."

"That's not the story I heard."

"Yeah? Who are you going to believe?"

Lee considered that. "Neither of you. Knowing Kara, you ended up in bed before the game even finished."

Sam couldn't help it- he laughed. "Something like that." Lee laughed with him.

"Kara's good- was good- at that."

"Yeah."

They smiled at each other, and Lee seemed to come to a decision. "Want to go get a drink?" he asked.

"Yeah," Sam agreed. Lee's memories of Kara were all over his face. "I think I'd like that a lot."

***

"What is it with you and Lee Adama?" Jean asked him, two days later. "I thought you hated the bastard."

"I do. I did," Sam corrected. "It's just…"

"He knew Kara," Jean said dryly. She bounced the pyramid ball off the wall. They were playing in a small, not-really-deserted part of a storage bay. "I get that. But he was frakking her behind your back while you were married to her."

"Yeah," Sam said glumly. "Believe me, that's kind of a hard thing to forget. What's your point?"

"Just…" Jean bounced the ball with a little more force, "I guess I just don't get it, Sam. I know you miss her. I don't blame you. But it's still just the most frakked up thing…."

"I'm handling it."

"You don't have to handle it with the guy that frakked you over. You've got friends." Her face was fiercely determined and protective. Sam put an arm around her shoulders and hugged her.

"I know. Thanks."

The thing was, though, it was hard to talk to Jean, or any friend. He didn't want sympathy, or sisterly balm, or any of that. That wasn't how he was going to get through this, wasn't how he was going to keep her alive. Wasn't how he was going to keep _himself_ alive.

***

Sam stared at the chart in front of him. Memorizing Viper patterns wasn't hard; it was the exact same thing as memorizing the Pyramid playbook. But today, his eyes felt like burned holes in his head. Although almost everyone had cleared out of the rec room, smoke still lingered and the smell of raw, stale alcohol bit into his nose.

"What are you doing studying in the rec room?"

Sam looked up to see Lee standing there, a book in hand. "No rules that I can't," he said.

"Yeah, but the pilots' ready room would be more comfortable."

"In theory." Sam looked down at the worn book in front of him. "That's still Kara's place, not mine."

Lee sat down across from Sam. "Let me tell you something," he said, and suddenly he wasn't Lee, but Apollo. "If you're going to be a pilot, you've got to put Kara out of your mind. Because Kara's not going to be in that cockpit with you. I know you're doing this for the right reasons, but you've got to keep thinking the right way, okay? If you want to live, Kara doesn't matter when you're flying. Just Sam."

"That's not what I was saying," Sam protested.

"But it's what you're thinking," Lee said. "You need to get Kara out of your head?"

"Can you do that?" Sam asked waspishly.

Lee didn't answer. Instead, he sat down at a table and opened the thick book that he had brought with him, the fluorescent light glinting off his wedding ring.

"Why aren't you in your quarters, if you're reading so intently?" Sam asked. He could see the title of the book; something about Colonial Law. Not rec room material.

Lee smirked, not lifting his eyes from the book. "Dee has friends over."

"Oh?"

"Her peanut gallery." He saw Sam's blank look, and sighed. "Gaeta and Hoshi."

"They're good guys," Sam said, still not understanding.

"And Dee's best friends." Lee looked down. "And confidants."

"Oh." Sam finally caught on, and he could imagine what certain information was like in the hands of those two. "Uncomfortable," he said.

"To say the least." Lee's eyes were focused on his books. "Not saying that I've been a stellar husband. But I don't really feel like listening to veiled reminders of it while they pretend to talk about the CIC or whatever."

"So you come in here and sit with me. That makes a lot of sense."

Lee looked up. "You'll either keep your mouth shut or address it directly. There's something comforting in that."

"Yeah?" Sam put his book aside. "Is that an invitation?"

Lee shrugged one shoulder. "If you like." When no attack was forthcoming, Lee raised his eyebrows. "I thought you'd have a lot to say."

"Yeah, I thought so, too," Sam admitted. "But when it gets right down to it, Dee's justified in her anger at you. Me? I should be mad at _Kara_ , not you."

"Are you?"

"She's dead," Sam said angrily. He pushed the tactics manual aside. "How can you be mad at someone who's dead?"

"Same way you can be mad at someone who's innocent," Lee muttered. "It's not your fault, it's not Dee's fault, but…"

"Easier to be mad at us than her?"

"Why should I be mad at Kara?" Lee asked.

"Good question." Sam felt like he was on extremely thin ice. "What _was_ between you and Kara? Not while she and I were married- I can figure that one out on my own."

"Less than you think," Lee interrupted.

"Right," Sam said, not believing him. "But I mean before she and I got married. Why weren't you at our wedding? Why weren't we at yours? Why didn't the two of you talk for almost a year?"

Lee finally closed his book completely. "What does it matter? That all happened before you were married."

"I don't know. But it matters." _It was a part of her life._ You _were a part of her life._ But he bit back those words.

Lee rubbed his forehead. "I don't' know. It was _Kara_. I'm not sure I'll ever understand everything that was going through Kara's head, especially when it comes to either you or me."

"You've got to have some clue," Sam insisted. "Or should I ask Dee? I bet she knows."

"Stay away from Dee," Lee ordered.

"Protective now?" Sam asked. He snorted. "You know, if there was any justice in the world, Dee and I should have hooked up. Except I have the feeling neither of you would have cared all that much."

"Self-pity doesn't become you."

"From the lord of self-pity."

"What is with you?" Lee demanded, standing up. "Look, I get you don't like me, but we started this conversation perfectly fine and-"

Sam didn't even think about it. All he knew was that he had to shut Lee up, to change the subject. He pushed out of his chair and crossed the room in two swift strides, pushing Lee up against the wall.

As soon as their lips met, he knew he'd planned this, somewhere in his mind. Not this exact moment, but that he and Lee would be doing… well, doing _this_. And Lee knew it, too. His mouth opened under Sam's eagerly, and his hands grabbed Sam's shoulders and pulled him close.

They were in the rec room. It would be all to easy for someone to walk in, to catch them, but neither of them seemed to care. Sam closed his eyes, losing himself in the heat of the kiss, searching for Kara's taste on Lee's lips. He reached down and undid their pants just enough that they could thrust against each other, hot and primal. His hands were flush against the wall on either side of Lee's shoulders, and the world narrowed down to the two of them, and the two of them alone.

It was over almost as suddenly as it began, with Lee's forehead against Sam's shoulder as they both gasped for breath. "Wow," Sam said slowly.

"Yeah. That was… unexpected."

"Yeah?" Sam asked.

"Yeah." Lee tried to pull away and Sam got the hint. He backed off, doing up his pants and then running a hand through his hair.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I just… oh, frak." Lee rubbed his face, and then looked at his ring.

And all of a sudden, just like that, Sam was on the other side of the equation.

***

Sam relaxes a little at Kara's smile and slides one hand around the back of her neck, pulling her in and raising his head until their faces almost touch.

"Can't we find something better to do than talk about Lee?" he asks softly.

She kisses him hard, then pushes him down again.

"Maybe I like talking about Lee," she says. She begins moving faster. Harder. Straight up and down now, nice and deep, the way she knows he likes it. "Who went down on who first?"

His expression changes as he finally seems to catch on to what she wants. Why she's really asking these questions. "He did. He went down on me." He remembers that vividly, hot and quiet in the duty lockers, with a quick departure by Lee.

"Kneeling on the floor?"

"On the bed."

"Is he any good at it?"

"Yeah. Yeah, he's good." He remembers, and impossibly, he hardens further. He thrusts up into Kara. She seems turned on by all this, but he's not comfortable remembering right now.

"What else did you do?"

"Stuff."

"Stuff." She draws out the word slowly, letting him know that she knows he's teasing her. Apparently he's going to make her ask for details. "Did you frak him? Did he frak you?"

"Isn't that what I just said?"

"You know what I mean." He does. And it's hard to talk about, because when he remembers, it sends chills down his spine.

"No, we didn't. Not the first time."

"But you did it later," she says.

"Yeah, eventually," he says. He increases his pace and she matches him, moving fast and shallow now. "It wasn't something either of us had tried it before."

"So why'd you decide to start?"

His eyes are closed now. "I don't know. I guess because I trusted him."

Kara stills.

***

They had found each several times since that first time; in the locker room, in Sam's duty locker, in a storage closet, in the ready room. Each time, Sam meant to walk away, and both times, it happened before he could. It was like a magnet drawing him to Lee, and he couldn't- or didn't want to- stop it. If it had just been him and Lee, he wouldn't have cared. But he told himself it wasn't his wife, and he wasn't the one that should be caring. The connection was so raw and vital that he couldn't pull away, and he knew Lee felt it, too.

But despite the pull between them, they didn't spend much time together. They both had their own friends, their own lives, and neither of them had a desire to change that. Sam's waking hours were consumed with training and duty, and Lee was deeply engrossed in Baltar's trial. Which was why Sam was surprised when he came back to the duty lockers, exhausted after training, to find Lee sitting on his bunk.

"What's going on?" Sam asked, shucking off his BDU jacket.

Lee was silent for a long moment. "I'm leaving the military," he said.

"Really? Wow." Sam glanced at him. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I chose it."

"Well, then."

"Yeah." Lee still looked like there was something he wanted to say, so Sam waited. He suspected it had something to do with the trial. He was wrong.

"Dee left me," Lee finally said.

Sam's blood ran cold. "Because of us?"

"No. She doesn't know about that, although I don't even know what there is to…" Lee shook his head. "She left because of the trial."

"Oh." Sam's heart rate slowed back down. "Sorry, man."

"Funny, isn't it?" Lee asked bitterly. "After all I've put her through, after what a lousy husband I've been… she leaves because I'm finally doing something _right_. Because I'm trying to hold together what the Articles and the Colonies were meant to be."

Sam wasn't sure what to say to that, so he just sat down beside Lee and put a hand on his shoulder. Lee leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. Sam rubbed his shoulder.

"The crazy thing is, it's got nothing to do with love," Lee said. "I know I still love her. I know she still loves me, or she did. But… it's over _Gaius frakking Baltar_."

Sam had a feeling it wasn't that simple, but now wasn't the time to argue that. Lee would figure that out on his own time, anyway. Right now, he was looking for something to fill that unexpected void; something Sam could understand all too well.

He leaned in, his lips lingering on Lee's. Lee reached for him, clinging to Sam's shoulders like the survivor of a ship wreck clings to drift wood. Sam wrapped his arms around him, holding him close and letting the fire between them ignite.

He was used to this now, this heat and sensation between them, this searching for some escape from the void left in their lives by Kara's absence. But before this, it had always been rough. Not violent- just raw, rough, and needy- like Kara had been. This was different. It wasn't loving and it wasn't tender, but it was slower.

It was the first time either of them undressed completely. They'd been naked before- that was that time in the shower- but it was the first time they'd deliberately undressed. They lay back together, limbs entwining, kissing hard and rough hands smoothing over each other deliberately.

Sam had had male partners long before Lee. But those encounters had been limited to hand jobs or blow jobs, usually in back alleys or hotel rooms, just like the women he slept with after a game, in the heat and glory of celebrity. But this was different. This was… this wasn't just a quick frak, but something more.

He ended up straddled across Lee's lap, Lee's face buried in his shoulder and his cock up his ass. He wasn't surprised that Lee liked to top from the bottom- Lee was in love with Kara, after all. It didn't matter much to Sam, especially after. In fact, about the only thought he had was why he'd never bothered to try this before, because _holy shit._

It was a good question, he realized, as he eased himself off of Lee. Why _hadn't_ he ever tried this before? Why _now_? He lay down beside Lee, who was lying back and breathing heavily, eyes closed.

He didn't ask it, though. He just turned over on his stomach, and then Lee turned and rubbed his hand down Sam's bare back, and Sam closed his eyes, burying his face in his arms. He fell asleep there like that, Lee beside him. The last thing he heard was Lee pulling the privacy curtain shut.

***

Now that Lee was separated, they could use his quarters. The first time, Sam felt awkward, like the ghost of Dee still lingered in here. But _Dee_ wasn't dead, and after a while, he was able to forget it.

They didn't talk much, but Sam didn't mind. He'd never been one for words- always more for action. He lay in Lee's bed, and the place he found there fit him better than anywhere else on _Galactica_.

They weren't happy- he knew that. Neither of them were; there were other things wrong with their lives that sex could never fix. But the sex made those things much easier to bear.

***

Kara freezes at his words. Sam stops a half-beat later, looking up at her in confusion.

"Kara?"

"So you two were pretty serious," she says finally.

 _Serious._ He hadn't thought of it that way, but now that she says it, the words make sense. "Yeah, I mean...we weren't planning on getting married or anything, but it was... it was intense, I guess." Kara looks horrified, and Sam hastens to explain. "We're not...I'm not in love with him."

"Really?" It's obvious Kara doesn't believe him. "'Cause it kind of sounds like you are."

Sam props up his head on his forearm, gaze calm and steady. "Lee's a good guy. He took care of me when he didn't have to. But it's over now. It ended the moment I found out you were alive."

She pulls herself off of him carefully. Swings her legs over the side of the bed, and twists her head to look back at him." And if I hadn't come back?"

It's Sam's turn to look away. "I don't know."

***

Kara was _alive_. Nothing else mattered anymore- not Earth, not the Cylons, not _being_ a Cylon. Kara was _alive._ He held her body in his arms, he felt her breath against his neck. He wasn't naïve enough to think that this fixed all their problems, but if Kara could return against all odds… then there had to be a chance, right?

They snatched Kara up. She needed to be examined and cross-examined in as many different ways as the Admiral could devise, and besides, Kara had Earth on her mind. Despite her return, Sam found himself in the odd position of being alone.

His feet moved automatically, and he wasn't really surprised when he ended up outside Lee's door. He lifted his hand to knock, and then stopped.

Kara was back.

Suddenly, this wasn't right anymore. And more than that, suddenly, he wasn't sure he needed this. He had _Kara._ Even if she never touched him again, she was alive.

"Hey."

Sam started, and saw Lee coming down the hall towards him. "Hey," he said, dropping his hand and shoving it in his pocket. "What's up?"

"What's up," Lee laughed. But even though his laugh was bitter, there was light in his eyes, too. "How do you even begin to answer that on a day like today?"

The tension broke, and Sam laughed, too. "I know, right? I still can't believe it," he admitted.

"Yeah. Me either. She's _back_."

They smiled at each other. The tension should have grown, the rivalry should have sharpened, and yet, neither of them felt it. There was just acceptance there, and common ground. They both loved the same extraordinary woman, and it didn't matter who she chose, or if she chose either one of them at all. Kara was in the world again, and for right this moment, that was enough.

Sam extended his hand. "Listen," he began. "Thanks."

Lee considered it for a long moment before he took it. "You're welcome," he said, squeezing Sam's hand. "You know that-"

"I know." Sam interrupted. He thought Lee might be saying it didn't have to end, but he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear anything right now. "Just… let's leave it here, okay?"

"Okay." He couldn't read Lee's smile. "If you need anything…"

"I know where to find you. Take care, all right?"

"Yeah. You, too."

Sam leaned in and pressed one last kiss to Lee's lips. But unlike the others- even the first one- this felt awkward and off, even if his body responded. He pulled away, an awkward smile on his lips. The expression was mirrored on Lee's face.

"See you," he said, and Lee nodded. Then Sam headed down the corridor, without looking back. But some part of him thought that he should.


End file.
